Do you ever have a realization about yourself that you really don’t like?
I was sitting in a class years ago with a bunch of other facilitators and was asked “if the person sitting next to you won $10,000,000 lottery at lunch, how many of you would be happy for them?”
Everyone’s hands immediately shot up around me. I looked at it carefully.
I knew the right answer. And I could feel my stomach twist into knots knowing that I would think to myself “well I want to win too.” Or “would they give me any of it?” I wanted to be happy for them, but if I was totally honest with myself, I was a little lacking in the generosity of spirit category on that one.
Not wanting to look like the only schmuck in the room, I slowly raised my hand to about my shoulder. I wasn’t ready to confront the topic quite that publicly that day. What would people think if they knew how horrible I was and what I really thought?
Yet in my mind I made a little note. Note to self: What would it take to increase my generosity of spirit?
And over the years, I really have. Funny that question thing and how it actually works.
So last week in a class, this topic bubbled up again, in a very different way. This time it was not about money or things… but more about being generous with sharing myself with others.
I felt that familiar knot in my stomach. That place where I know I wasn’t choosing everything I could be. I looked at where I sometimes dismiss people. Or want to be the one who gets the credit.
Yet this time, when the question was asked in a room full of people, my hand shot up in the air and i started asking question aloud “Hey, I do do that!” “Wow, what is that?” “where else do I do that?” “what’s it going to take to change that?”
What if it wasn’t wrong to recognize where you are coming from lack? Or greed? Or jealously? Or anger? Or poverty? Or anything else?
What if those horrible things you wish to hide about yourself didn’t have to mean anything? “Yeah, I do do that. Or I have in the past. And now what would I like to choose?”
I am so grateful to have been shown a different possibility with generosity of spirit last week. And even more grateful it doesn’t mean I was wrong because I didn’t have that awareness before now.
I often say that recognizing a limitation is actually 90% of changing it? And after years of changing things, both for myself and with others, I finally know that to be true.
You get it when you get it.
What have you been trying to hide about yourself that if you would acknowledge would give you the space to make a different choice?
by Blossom Benedict