More than a century after people started lying on Freud’s couch, are people any happier? Are families any more functional?
Nothing that follows is intended as psychological treatment, which of course should be sought by those requiring it.
But for the rest of us, what if there were practical tools for dealing with families that were simple, easy to apply, effective, and didn’t require those hours on the couch? Gary Douglas, best-selling author and founder of Access Consciousness™, has proposed many such tools in one of his newest books, Divorceless Relationships.
Douglas and Freud agree on acknowledging the effects of events that occur early in life. Unlike the Austrian doctor, Douglas actually has tools that can change this imprinting quickly, easily, and efficiently.
One of Douglas’s observations is that until the age of 2 when we learn the word “no,” we don’t recognize any difference between our parents and ourselves. Being much more psychic than we ever recognized, we take in everything our parents are and everything their relationship is—without recognizing that it’s not necessarily even our point of view on what we’d like to create. “The fact that they are dysfunctional never enters your mind,” observes Douglas.
One of the tools that Douglas uses to change things, even including this early programming, is the Access Consciousness™ Clearing Statement™. In essence, what this energetic clearing statement does is ask the universe to change the origin of the “stuckness” by going to its “point of creation.” The point of creation or POC of something is like the seed of the tree; once the POC is gone, so are the problems arising from it, just as a tree could not exist without having been a seed first.
Here’s a way that you can use the clearing statement to get rid of some of that old stuff that Freud identified but didn’t necessarily know how to change:
How much of who, what, where, when, why, and how you are is actually your parents’ point of view that you never even realized was your point of view before the age of two? Everything that is, will you destroy and uncreate it all please? Right and wrong, good and bad, all 9, POD, POC, shorts, boys and beyonds. You don’t have to understand the clearing statement for it to work, just as you don’t need to know where the point of creation of the issue you’re working on is. It works anyway. The more often you repeat it, the deeper it goes at clearing stuck energy you may not have been able to reach any other way.
Acknowledging our own awareness, our own psychic-ness if you will, is key to getting free of the family conflicts we absorbed growing up. “You are an infinite being who knows all kinds of things, but you have to cut off huge amounts of awareness in order not to know that you know that you know. It is imperative that you acknowledge this or you will never get free and have choice on your own.”
One of the things Douglas has noticed that most people pick up as children is the widespread, but seldom voiced or acknowledged, point of view that marriage and children are a trap. As a child, we pick up those points of view even if they are never expressed, and we adopt them as our own without realizing they are not necessarily our own points of view. At the same time, we try not to acknowledge the point of view about marriage and family being a trap—which keeps you trapped in that very point of view.
Another tendency we have which has its roots in early childhood is our natural desire to make our parents happy. We tend to come to earth with that as our purpose, Douglas has noticed. We don’t ask if our parents wish to be happy, nor do we know at that young age that they are actually choosing to be unhappy. When we do not succeed at making them happy, however, we are quick to brand ourselves a failure for not succeeding in making them happy.
This reflects itself over and over again in our choice of partners who are unhappy in ways similar to our parents. We pick them again and again and attempt to make them happy so we will no longer have to consider ourselves the failures we decided we were when we couldn’t make our parents happy.
Sometimes pop psychology simplifies this area and assumes all men marry their mothers and all women marry their fathers. What’s actually more likely is that we will pick someone who has the same energy as the parent that loved us the least. We are drawn to that person in hopes we can receive from our partner the love we never felt we received from the less loving parent. In doing so, we assume that we are the problem—never that our parent simply did not have the ability or willingness to care and express their love for us as we would have liked to receive it.
This issue is not necessarily limited to relationships with parents—it could be a stepparent, an aunt or uncle, or grandparent. You could ask yourself, “How many people have I picked to have a relationship with that are just like that person?” There is a bit of wisdom in this choice. It is true that we need to heal this relationship before we can have what we desire.
Choosing someone that’s just like the relative that didn’t love you, however, is an insane and self-defeating way to heal that old familial relationship. In picking someone like that unloving relative, we are actually ensuring that we never get the love we’re looking for. If that person is just like the person that never loved us, how likely is it that they will give us the love we’re looking for?
Not unlike Freud, Douglas notices that one of the contributing factors to parents not allowing themselves to feel or express their love has to do with their attitudes towards sex. But he has quite a different take on how this should be handled.
Young children are incredibly sexy, he has noticed, as a father of four. Instead of acknowledging this and allowing themselves to enjoy the energy without acting on it, parents most often judge themselves for being wrong for having these feelings around their children. The parents usually truly wish to give their children a healthy attitude about sex. The parents’ own feelings of sexualness towards their children can be terrifying to these parents, who are afraid they will end up abusing their own children. The parents’ unwillingness to have these feelings of sexualness without acting on them creates in their children just the feeling the parents are trying to avoid—judgment and uptightness and a feeling that something is sexually wrong with them.
Sexualness, according to Douglas, is “the energy of living. It is what you feel in nature. It’s the healing, caring, nurturing, creative, expansive, orgasmic, energy that is the natural quality of life. It is totally joyful.”
Douglas notes that in cutting off the sexual energy, which is a major component of true caring, parents cut off their sexual energy towards their children and require their children to cut off their own sexual energy as well.
“As a parent, you have a choice between pretending that you don’t see it and that it isn’t exciting to you, or acknowledging that child’s sexual energy without judgment. What if you were willing to never withdraw that energy? Would that give your children a different view of their sexualness?”
It’s not surprising that the whole area is a morass to most people. “This whole area of sexualness is so filled with misinformation that unless you have some of these tools, you won’t know what to do with it.
If you have been creating your own relationships based on the parent who loved you least, what can you do to change it? Douglas suggests you first acknowledge that this is what you have been doing. Then look at the person you are currently interested in and ask yourself, “Is this person another one of those parent figures?” Then ask yourself, “Truth, did I desire to have sex with that parent? Did they desire to have sex with me? Whichever feels lighter, yes or no, is the truth.”
“There is no need to judge the answer as right or wrong,” says Douglas. In fact, there is not need to do anything with the awareness except acknowledge it. “Acknowledging it just as what was there at the time allows you to change the position you have taken about it and get some freedom with it.”
Another trap we can fall into is picking a partner that’s just like our parents. “Maybe you hate your father but at the same time you know you’re supposed to love him. So you love him while hating him and you pick somebody who’s like him so you can love him while hating him, too.
“When you judge and define someone as ‘just like my parent,’” Douglas continues, “then anything that doesn’t match that point of view is something you can’t see. It seems unbelievable, but this is the way it works.”
What’s the way out? “If you recognize that you are choosing the person you are in relationship with because you had a problem with a parent and you are trying to solve that, you can ask, ‘Who am I really with, that isn’t my parent?’ Ask the question and you will start to see the person as they really are.”
Another realization that Douglas has had can significantly change our outlook towards our parents—and that is that children actually choose their parents.
He knows this from his own experience. Both times his children were conceived, he woke up in the middle of the night just before ejaculating. “Literally, we were in the act before I was awake. Both of us were asleep and the next thing you know we had a baby!” Based on this experience, Douglas believes that children choose their parents; slamming them together at the exact moment that would create the genetic material they are looking for.
Based on his work with thousands of individuals and groups world-wide, Douglas summarizes, “You, as a being, know what the first ten years of your life is going to be before you come in to your body. You know what’s going to occur and you are prepared for that. You choose parents you can control in one way or another.” It kind of pops the balloon that your parents are responsible for anything you turn out to be!
Dr. Freud may be rolling over in his grave. But then again, perhaps he is happy that freedom from limiting family patterns may now be possible.
These ideas of Gary Douglas and Access Consciousness are discussed in many seminars, recordings, and publications on the website, www.accessconsciousness.com. Many of these ideas came directly from one of Douglas’s newest books, Divorceless Relationships. Recordings of a live seminar Douglas did on Divorceless Relationships are also available.