How long have you been trying to get clear on your sexuality? How many years, how many seminars, how many heart to heart talks, how many agonizing arguments with how many lovers?
What if the reason you haven’t been able to get clear about it is that some part of what we know to be sexuality isn’t entirely true, or at least a form of a lie called a misidentification or misapplication?
This is exactly the case, say Gary Douglas, best selling author and founder of Access Consciousness, and his business partner and co-author Dr. Dain Heer. The duo has led dozens of seminars worldwide on the topics of sex and relationships. They are authors of Sex Is Not A Four Letter Word But Relationships Often Times Is, as well as a soon to be released book, The Divorceless Relationship.
From their work in all areas of consciousness, they have discovered that whenever something is a lie, it creates an area of your life that can be filled with confusion and lack of total clarity. An area of your life where you can’t get clear, does that sound like sexuality to you?
Misidentifications and misapplications are a form of lie in which you have confused something as being something other than it is. If you meet someone and you decide that person is wonderful, for example, and then he or she does something that is mean, you won’t be able to see it because you have misidentified and misapplied that he or she is wonderful. If you love someone, you will have a hard time seeing they might hurt you, because you have misidentified and misapplied what love is.
The word sexuality means so many things to different people that it’s full of misidentifications and misapplications. It is commonly used to mean everything from sexual orientation to a motive for abuse to the intensity of joy that is possible in embodiment, and everything in between.
To overcome this confusion, Douglas and Heer propose using six different words to describe the different components of sex, which are usually used to describe the word sexuality.
Those six words are sensualness, sex, copulation, sexuality, sexualness, and orgasm.
Sensualness is the tactile experience of being touched. Bodies crave this and rarely get enough of it in most modern societies. It is a normal irrefutable human requirement. Babies who do not receive this die.
Sex is when you’re looking good, feeling good, and strutting your stuff. People turn around and look at you, and all of you enjoy it. A common misidentification and misapplication around sex is that it requires another person for it to exist.
What if this sex or sexiness were within you, and not dependent on anyone else recognizing it, acknowledging it, or even seeing it? Could clearing up that misidentification and misapplication that you have to have another person around for your own sex or sexiness to exist create more clarity and freedom for you?
Sexuality is the definition we put on who we will receive flows of sexual energy from. “I am a gay woman”, “I am a straight man,” are a few examples. Sexuality is always a limitation. It’s a judgment and a lie. Are you a straight man, or an infinite being?
Copulation is putting the body parts together—any body parts, any form.
Sexualness is the caring, healing, creative, nurturing, expansive, creative, joyful, orgasmic energy of life itself.
Orgasm is the energy for the creation of life and the creation of your body.
Intertwining these very different definitions can cause a lot of confusion and lack of clarity in an area that involves so many different aspects that trying to group them all under one word rarely works.
The police in the county seat of liberal Marin County, California, tend to confuse sensuality with copulation. Coming from this misidentification and misapplication, they raid therapeutic massage offices and even alternative doctors in the belief they are a front for prostitution. Anything that involves touching bodies must lead to copulation, in their points of view.
How many misidentifications and misapplications did Bill Clinton show when he stated, “I did not have sex with that woman!”. He may not have done what he considered copulation with her (even though oral sex includes putting the body parts together), but he certainly had sex: the feeling good, looking good, and strutting your stuff. Isn’t that what he risked his presidency for?
As a society, we tend to misidentify and misapply that any sensuality, sexualness, or sex will lead to copulation, as if we as infinite beings do not have choice. All these misidentifications will create that sticky land of confusion that surrounds so many of us in all areas relating to sex.
One way we can get clearer on our choices is to use words that correctly describe what we’re talking about.
Another tool is to recognize that any time you feel stuck in any area, there has to be a lie you’ve bought somewhere. Misidentifications and misapplications are another form of lie. You can start to shift this muck by asking a question, “Where is the lie here, spoken or unspoken?” The lie is unspoken, more often than not.
While this process works amazingly, don’t be surprised if there are many layers of this. Sex and relationships are one of the areas of greatest insanity on the planet-is it any surprise it could take a while to achieve clarity here?
And more importantly, how great is it that now you have language and tools to start to create clarity for yourself? How much more fun can you have?