Are You A Control Freak?

by Access Administrator on October 1, 2014

Most of us are Control Freaks!  Why would we not want to control other people and what they do, how things turn out, and just generally well, run the whole universe?!  After all we DO know best!  This may be a slight exaggeration, but can you relate to any of it?  If you are like many people who like to control, you are bright, intelligent, and know what you want in and from life.  There are some great and some not so great things about being a control freak, and a great deal rests on the who and what we are trying to control.

Being in control is great for things like driving a car, but have you noticed what happens when you try to control another person?

They tend to resist and react and do exactly the opposite of what we want them to do.  This seems to occur even if our desires are more logical than theirs. It doesn’t make sense!  No, it doesn’t!  However, what we often tend to forget is how WE react when someone is trying to control us!  If someone is trying to control you, do you become docile and accept their control , or do you go into “you can’t make me” mode?  Gary Douglas often talks about motivating a humanoid through telling them they can’t do something.  This is a variation of the “you can’t make me” only it’s the “Oh yeah – watch me do that!”.  He also talks about how trying to control the people in Access would be like trying to trying to heard kittens! Does any of that sound familiar to you?

The other difficulty with trying to control another is that it is not honoring of them.  Trying to control another is really saying, from a place of superiority, “I know what’s best for you”.  Can we really know what’s best for another?  What if we all stepped into honoring others by not trying to control them or their actions but by being in allowance of their choices and what ever they are choosing?  Does that feel lighter to you?  Not only does allowance honor the other person but it gets you off the hook of being responsible for their lives an actions!  That can be such a relief and free you to spend your time and energy to create what YOU would like to create in your life!  What if you didn’t have to be the policeman of the universe?  How much more ease could you have in your life?

For most of us, when we are not trying to control other people, we are trying to control the outcome of certain situations.  Perhaps you are going for a job that’s been advertised as a junior executive position.  You know you would be great for the job, so you set you intentions on getting that junior executive position. You are determined to have that outcome, and maybe you even achieve it, yet there’s a possibility that by working so hard to control the outcome you have actually limited what was possible for you!  What if there was another, more senior executive position available that you might have gotten had you not been so invested in the junior position?  When we are very vested in any outcome we cut off hundreds and thousands of possible outcomes that could be even better!  Another trap of being vested in an outcome is that we can judge ourselves harshly if we don’t achieve it?

Have you ever decided on an outcome then decided you were a failure when you it didn’t turn out the way you had planned?  There was a woman who had wanted to move to another state for a long time.  Suddenly, there was a great opportunity to do so.  A friend of hers had bough a house in the area and was happy for the woman to come and live in the spare bedroom.  The woman culled, packed, cancelled services and cleaned and finally made the move she had been waiting years to make.  The only difficulty was, when she got to her friends house, (which was way out in the country) she found that there were numerous problems, including that there wasn’t going to be any electricity for three weeks!  With that, her “answer” to moving to this new state began to unravel.  Now at this point she could have become very upset and begun blaming herself or others.

Fortunately, she had done enough Access to begin to ask questions. Here are some questions she asked, that  you can ask too when things don’t turn out the way you think they should:  What’s right about this I’m not getting?  How does it get any better than this? What’s possible here that’s beyond anything I’ve ever imagined?  She was not looking for answers so much as an energetic shift.  Because she had no other place to live, she checked into a hotel and began asking more questions.  What living environment would actually work for me?  What can I be or do to bring my living situation to fruition with total ease?

What one step can I take today that would create more space and ease with this?  The end result was that she found a place in town, that was actually much more suited to her.  It still had a country feel but was within walking distance of wonderful restaurants and galleries as well as great walking trails.  The point of this was that what she had decided was the desired outcome and the end point was really only a stepping stone to what was ultimately a much more expansive living situation for her.  If you’ve ever judged that you failed to create a desired outcome, please ask more questions!  It may have only been a stepping stone or an outcome that showed you another direction or possibility.

Staying open and asking questions can ease almost any situation that we have tried to control.  Have you ever noticed the energy that goes along with trying to control?  Is it expansive or contractive?  Most people find it to be very dense and contractive. Perhaps not the best energy to try to create from! Has trying to control other people and situations actually ever worked out well for you?  Let’s look at one more example: Have you ever known a woman or man who tried to control another into liking or loving them?  It looks sad form the outside because the person has to stop being themselves and twist themselves into a pretzel to try to hook the other person.  Does it ever work out? No.  It’s such a devaluing and diminishment of self that it can only end up being destructive to all concerned.

Giving up control can seem scary, yet it can yield much greater results than the tight attempt at control that most of us try to do.  Part of the willingness to let go of control comes from two things: First, the awareness that the universe has your back, and if you are willing to receive, she will often give you more that you’ve even asked for, and secondly, that you can trust yourself to know what to do with anything that shows up. (hint  – always ask lots of questions!).  Letting go of control does not have to be an all or nothing proposition.  Why not try letting go of one or two outcomes and see what shows up?  What if you were to let go of tying to get a partner or friend or child to behave in a certain way?  What might that create?  Are you willing to have a bigger, greater and more fun life?  Letting go of some area of control in your life might be a great first step!

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I just Need You To communicate With Me!

by Access Administrator on October 1, 2014

Have you ever told your partner or parent or child or friend “I just Need You To communicate With Me!”? Or maybe you’ve been on the receiving end of that comment.  It seems like a simple enough statement, but what does it really mean?  What are most people looking for when they say they want others to communicate with them?

Dictionary.com defines communication as: the imparting or interchange of thoughts, opinions, or information by speech, writing, or signs.  Seems reasonable enough. Yet have you noticed that communication is rarely that simple or easy or charge free?

We are told that communication is a two way thing.  As separate individuals, we communicate to others, then we expect them to communicate back to us.  But many people fail to ask the questions and be the energy that would actually set us and the other person free. Instead, most people use “communication” to get their point across, convince the other person that they need to agree, and generally go into some kind of judgment or blame or other contracted position.  Consider these examples: Why haven’t you taken the trash out yet?  or Why are you always late? or Why won’t you share your feeling with me?  Or, I just need to tell you my Truth!  Most of us are guilty of having said something like that at some point.  It’s what we’ve learned to do.   However, how often does it create the result we desire?  Pretty much never!

The good news is that there is a very different way that you can approach this whole communication conundrum.

Here are some tips:

  1. Recognize that communication as discussed above is highly over rated. We are told that “talking things out” is the answer to our relationship problems, but the overwhelming failure of marital and couples counseling reflects how ineffective talking about problems actually is.  Have you ever noticed that when you change your behavior and your energy, other people change around you?  When were in an energy of confrontation and we speak from there, no one wants to have anything to do with us, but change that energy to allowance and gratitude and the people around you being to show up differently.
  2. Notice, that in reality, everyone is communicating with everyone all of the time. The fact that it doesn’t necessarily involve words doesn’t mean that people aren’t conveying a wealth of information about themselves with their energy, body language and actions. Have you ever walked into a room and known that someone was sad or angry or shut down or joyful?  What if you allowed yourself to access all that you know about nonverbal communication?  Might that change how you approach others?  Remember, we are all far more aware than we generally allow ourselves to be.
  3. Use the awareness and knowing that you possess to inform your choices of how when and where to communicate.  One mistake many of us make is to tell people something that they can’t hear.  Then, when they don’t respond in a way that we would like them to, we tend to get angry.  For example, have you ever tried to talk to a friend about an issue that is obvious to everyone else – perhaps they are in an abuse relationship, or they are drinking too much, and instead of thanking you for your help and caring they attack you?  That’s an example of telling something they can’t here.
  4. Let go of expectations. If you can speak with someone without an agenda, and without judgments, but with questions, you invite openness, vulnerability and possibilities. This also involves being in allowance of what they have to say.  Remember, whatever anyone says is just their interesting point of view!
  5. Be willing to be vulnerable yourself.  What might that create?  We thing vulnerability is a weakness, but just the opposite is true. When we’re being vulnerable, we are open to possibilities.  When we’re barricaded up, we really can’t receive anything that doesn’t match out judgments.
  6. Let go of taking things personally.  Whether you are praised or insulted it is never about you, it is always about the other person! Everyone sees through their own lens. Not taking things personally creates space and ease. For example, many people feel that if their relationship ends, it has to be someone’s fault, and some blame must be assigned. What does that create? Just because a relationship ends, does not mean that anyone is at fault.  It  indicates that the two people are no longer compatible and it’s time to move on.
  7. Allow yourself to be more present in your life, including with other people.  When people are really present, they often find that there is much less need for words.  They just know what’s going on, because there’s much less separation of them from others.

How much more ease in life might we all have if we used our words for true questions, added more allowance, were willing to be vulnerable and to be in our awareness?  How light might that be?

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Three quick tips to get you or your business noticed

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Denver, Vancouver, San Francisco…. Whoa!

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Letting Go Of Judgment

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Acknowledging Your Creativity

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There are three points in the Access Consciousness Bars that are about creating: Creativity, Creating Connections and Creating Life Forms.   For many people just talking about these points brings up a lot of self-judgment.  Statements like: “Oh I’m not a creative person, I can’t even draw a stick figure.” or “My sister’s the creative one [...]

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